Manual Molestation - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

(Cowabunga! I love being a Turtle!)

We all know that everything produced in the 80's was hilarious. That includes almost everything the Turtles ever did. That, combined with Ultra's way cool (and way stupid) staff, makes for a pretty stupid manual. I'll quote the manual in navy blue, and I'll be talking in magenta.


Steam rises from Wall Street sewers like hot breath from a pack of wild dogs. Just below the pavement's puddle strewn surface, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have gathered around the leftovers of a family-reunion-sized sausage pizza with extra sauce. Usually these party dudes would inhale the mozzarella platter as if it were the last "za" on Earth, but not tonight.

The totally radical party d00dz scarf "za" and drink soda pop. "Mommy," Michelangelo says. "Can we all stay up late and watch scary movies on the boob tube?" Those ninjas are so radically rad.

You see, only hours ago, their trusted friend, April, was kidnapped from her mobile news van by the vile, ruthless, terrorist bully SHREDDER! He's a Slice-O-Matic crum, a villain more vicious than an army of mind altered Bruce Lees.

April's been captured? Quickly! Gather around this leftover pizza. It's congealed cheese power will help us rescue her! And as for that Slice-O-Matic crum Shredder villain who's more vicious than Bruce Lee on acid? Didn't I see that on an infomercial? Wait, we can't fight him! He slices and dices and makes Julian Fries!

With their lovely cohort held hostage, the fearless foursome must concoct a way to rescue April before Shredder brain washes her into joining his Ninjitsu Foot Clan. They'll combine this treacherous task with the mission they've been on since their mutated beginnings—to thrash Shredder and capture his Life Transformer Gun, the lone piece of technology that can turn their rat friend, Splinter, back into the man he used to be..

With April as a Foot Clan member, the world will not be safe! She will bombard innocent citizens with high powered 80's video cameras and ugly yellow jumpsuits. If only Shredder hadn't invented that damn Life Transformer Gun! Now Splinter has a chance of leading a normal life again! Noooo!

So take control of these heroes in a half shell, and either claim total victory over New York's premier Kick Man... or lead them into the menu at McTurtles (Home of the Quarter Flounder with Cheese).

I'm a lawyer here on behalf of Ronald McDonald. We demand that you stop telling people what's actually in a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. If you do not agree, we will have to bomb your Illinois headquarters. And give us back our clown suit! You're scaring the children.

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