Welcome, friends to the first annual......Award!

Wait... how can it be the first annual? I mean, if it's the first, it's not annual yet... oh well. This prestigious award is given to someone who looks incredibly stupid. It sounds easy, but it's a lot harder than you might think. I mean, we have some pretty stupid looking people here. Anyway, let's meet the nominees for the You're not as Dumb as you Look award.

This is our fat little friend from the game Be-Bop Highschool. He's 37 and weighs in at 237 pounds. His hobbies include standing around and looking stupid. He describes himself as two handfuls... eww... He's a barber who smells faintly of cabbage. His stupidness roots from the fact that he's anime enough to be Japanese, yet still looks strangely European. Well, as we've all learned from popular television and video games all Japanese people look like Americans. When contacted for further interviewing, he was quoted as saying, "Pepe! No, no, don't hurt me Pepe! I'm sorry I cut your hair so short. What are you doing with that razor Pepe?"

Here we have our plucky contestant from Wheel of Fortune. Even though he looks like he'd be very smart, he actually seems to lose all the time. He's 26 and weighs 96 pounds. His hobbies include fixing his tie, sorting out his sock drawer and masturbating to Xena: Warrior Princess. He calls himself about as likely to get a girl as Oprah is to stay thin. People say that he allows birds to make nests in his hair, because people usually don't notice anyway. Actually, after people do look at him, they usually run off screaming. During his 15 minutes of fame, he was quoted saying "I'd like to buy a 'T', Pat."

Our next nominee is Curly from the 3 Stooges. Conventional logic and good taste would tell you that if you digitized a stupid looking man, you'd get a stupid looking video game character. This is no exception. In the 3 Stooges there is this teriffic level where you, Curly, must eat crackers. Yep. Crackers. Anyway, while you're busy eating and trying to concentrate on eating, you are treated to various Curly faces looking stupid at you. Curly is currently 79 and weighs 195 pounds and climbing. His hobbies include acting stupid, looking stupid, getting hurt in stupid ways and generally being stupid. His pal, Moe, was heard to quote "Curly is such a lame brain."

This is Freddy, the icon of 1980's culture. His neon green shirt and almost-spiked hair is a tribute to punk 80's kids. Even though he is a sex symbol, he is still as stupid looking as they come. At the time of this photo, Freddy was 17. He is currently residing at the Betty Ford clinic for a heroin addiction that has plagued him most of his life. Freddy's hobbies include shivering in a dark corner which symbolizes his own despair and self doubt. He wets his pants and calls for his mommy daily. He wasn't available for comment, but the nurse said, "Freddy is making progress. He comes out of his room once a week now, and doesn't complain about sunlight as much."

And the winner is...

Curly! Curly prepared this acceptance speech for us:

"Wob wob wob! Hey Moe, I have this predictable yet hysterical long plank across my shoulders. Wanna see how many times you can get hit with it? N'yuk n'yuk n'yuk."

I'm sure Curly meant to say that he was either very happy or very embarrassed to receive the You're not as Dumb as you Look award. I'm also sure he wanted to thank Moe, not give him a concussion. Anyway, I do hope you've enjoyed this award ceremony as much as I have. I mean, no musical numbers to stretch the damn thing out to 3 hours. Lucky us.