The Top 5 WORST Hints

How should I begin? Once in a while, while playing the NES, I notice that some tips that the characters give you while you play the game are a little— well— sub-standard. So, I decided that I might as well pick the 5 hints that I thought were the absolute worst, most pointless, most stupid etc. And, as an added bonus, I wrote a little something up about each of them, and you get to read it and say "Gee. That is a crappy hint".

Anyway, Here it is:

Number 5

"Use telepathy to speak to us." All right, I'll admit it: not exactly a hint. He is telling you how to speak to the gurus, or whatever the hell those things are supposed to be. My biggest problem with this one is that you use telepathy to speak to him, and he tells you that you need to use telepathy to speak to him. I mean, come on. You can at least tell me how to destroy a boss, or find a special weapon, or something. How helpful is it when someone says, "Talk to me with your mouth"? Exactly.

Number 4
Zelda II: The Adventure of Link.

"If all else fails use fire." On a first glance, this looks like a normal tip. I have played this game countless times, and never really picked up on the irony. Recently, I spoke with the fellow who says this, and found myself saying, "Gee, if all else failed, I was just going to try everything again, and skip over Fire completely. Thanks, man. You just saved me a lot of Magic points." Think, people! If you tried every spell on an enemy, and nothing worked, of course you'd try Fire next.

Number 3
Ski or Die!!

"You're not gonna get better by browsing in here." Give this man a Nobel Prize. I was just going to read all the magazines, and check out the snowboards and stuff, and hopefully do good in the competition. Then suddenly, the owner of the ski shop brought this little hint to my attention. What a novel idea. Actually go out and practice to get better? You mean skills don't come from looking blankly at skis on the wall? Get out of here.

Number 2
Milon's Secret Castle

Would a list of terrible hints be complete without a hint from this game? In stead of making a list completely from this game, I simply picked the worst one. "Bump head to find box". At first, I just thought that this was a blatantly stupid hint. One day, I was walking down the front hall in my house. I accidentally tripped over a stray shoe, and bumped my head on the floor. I woke up later, and the box that I was waiting for for 6 to 8 weeks had been delivered! Then it dawned on me... "Bump head to find box"! Oh my god! This man is a psychic! It didn't really relate to the game, though.

(Closing note: I know what this hint really refers to. The music box. But damn, is it ever said stupidly.)

And the Number 1 hint is...
Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!

Doc! Doc! Help me, Doc! How can I beat Soda Popinski!? He's too hard for me. You're my trainer. You have to tell me, or else I'm a sitting duck. "Join the Nintendo fun club today! Mac." DAMNIT, DOC!!

I've just always really, really hated this hint. A better hint would be. "Ha ha! I'm not going to help you. Go out and get your ass kicked!"