Let's Make an NES Date!

Welcome, fans of carnality, to Let's Make an NES Date! I'm your host, Luigi. This is the show where I personally set up two NES stars to go on a blind date. It's mainly for my own entertainment, but since I painted the OSG's palm, it can be for your entertainment too! Did you actually think that I could get a show merely on my own talent? Anyway, let's meet our guests. Remember, these two have never met before today.

This is Simon Belmont. He's a vampire hunter. His interests include hitting zombies with whips, picking live hearts off the ground and surfing. He's 24 with a muscular build. He would be any woman's dream, except for the fact that he's got a weird ass job. He's into women who are a little abnormal. I think I have the perfect match for him. Let's meet her.

And here's our second guest, Marincess. Uh... she enjoys dressing up "pretty" and staying out of the public eye. She's apparently 21. Marincess is sort of an odd girl, so she fits the description of "a little abnormal", which Simon is into. She's looking for a man who can understand her. I wonder if she's too much for Simon to handle. Let's see how the date went, shall we?

I sent these two to the local Jazz Coffee House, The Soul Feedbag, where they found a corner table and chatted amidst some background music. I had the table bugged, so we could hear exactly what went on.

Simon: You must be my date. I'm Belmont, Simon Belmont. Marincess: Good to meet you, Simon. I'm Marincess. Can I call you "hot stuff" Simon: No, you may not. Marincess: Simon it is. What do you do, Simon? Simon: I kill vampires. Marincess: I bet you say that to all of the women. Simon: All the women who ask me what I do... Marincess: Oh, Simon, you know exactly what to say to a girl to make her toes curl. Simon: But I... Marincess: Fresh. Let's get some drinks. What do you like? Simon: A nice glass of milk would be nice. Marincess: Triple vodka martini it is. Bartender! Two triple vodka martinis for my friend. coffee for me. Simon: What? Marincess: I want to be sober for later tonight, but you have to be drunk. Trust me.

It's going pretty well, isn't it? I'm the master matchmaker. The next couple of hours in the club went pretty much this way, so let's fast forward a little while, shall we?

Simon: Geez, Marincess. Yer a real sexy mama. Marincess: I know, Simon. Do you want another triple vodka martini? Simon: N-no. I can't handle another one. I'm notta drinker... Marincess: Good. Do you know the name of the place we're in? Simon: Chez Walle, isn't it? Marincess: Perfect! You're a blubbering moron. Let's go back to my place. Hopefully you won't remember. Simon: Whuzzat? Marincess: Don't worry about it. Let's go.

At this time, they both left. It sounds to me like they had a good time planned for when they got back to Marincess' place. The next day, I had interviews with both of these lovebirds to see how the date went. Let's go directly to the post date wrapup.

Luigi: Well, Simon, how did it go last night? Simon: Um, good I think. I remember up to the point when I puked all over our waiter. Before then i was having a blast, though. Luigi: What did you do back at Marincess' place? Simon: We went there? Wow... I must have had too much to drink... Luigi: Ha ha ha, you sure did. Well, anything else you'd like to add? Simon: Only that Marincess is one of the ugliest women I've ever met. Also, I find it a little hard to sit down today. Luigi: Speak into the mic, Simon. Simon: Huh? Oh, well... I hope that I never see her again. She was a little to dominant for me. I don't like being helpless. Luigi: Well, thanks for taking part in Let's make an NES Date, Simon. Simon: No problem, Luigi.

Luigi: Did you have a good time last night, Marincess? Marincess: Oh, yes, Luigi! Simon was far from a perfect gentleman. That's all I could ever ask for. Luigi: So, just what did you do back at your house? Marincess: That's for me to know, and you to watch on the video tape back home after the show. Luigi: Right on. Anything you'd like to add? Marincess: Just that Simon is one hell of a dancer, and he's pretty damn cute. I'd love to hook up with him again. Luigi: That won't happen, you know. Marincess: I know, but I can always dream. Luigi: You sure can. Thanks for taking part in Let's Make an NES Date, Marincess! Marincess: My pleasure, hon.